i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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