Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
i now understand why vodka
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
