Im at strip club and am horny
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
