Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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