One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
