I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
