i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
