Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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