Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize