have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
he told me I talked like a deaf person
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
