Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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