We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize