now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
