ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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