I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
