Best friends brother. Beat that.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
