I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
