how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
