Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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