my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
