My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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