life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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