literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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