Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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