Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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