I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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