My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
