Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
