i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
accomplished twins. life is a go
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
