glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
