She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize