Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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