She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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