I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
