Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
