Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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