listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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