I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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