We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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