how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
