I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
