i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
