Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Help me help you realize you are a moron
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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