I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
