apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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