I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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