Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
