Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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