the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
