you traded sex for a burrito?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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