Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
