8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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