why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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