dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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