I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
