thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
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At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
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Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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